Christmas Eve

Guess what....today is xmas eve and I am spending it all alone. I am no longer with the guy anymore. I miss him so much. I hate the holidays. This is the worst feeling of my life. I did one mistake by lying to him and I lost the guy I love. I regret it so much. I don't know what else can I do to get him back. I wish he knew how sorry I am.

confused...........

I am not feeling too good today at all. The weather isn't so great outside also. For some reason, a lot been on my mind lately. I don't know what he is thinking. I wish I knew. I am starting to like him a lot but then again I am scared to like him more and more. I don't want to end up getting played or hurt. I already wasted a lot of my time on a useless person and I don't want to repeat this over. He treat me nice, I enjoyed every moment around him. When he is around, I am very happy and he always put this smile on my face. But the thing is, what am I to him? What is on his mind? I don't know what to think anymore. I just wish I can just ask him straight up but I am scared too. He don't seem like he like me that much. I have this only feeling that he is not into me and I am the one who like him. Should I just back off and leave the way things are or should I asked him what is going on?

Dunno what to do anymore.....

Lately I have a lot of things on my mind. I wish I can just let it all out. I like this guy a lot. I don't know how he feel about me. I feel like asking him but I am scared to know the answer from him. I also decide to go back to school and go for my bachelor degree. I am going to focus on my career and school in January. I know it's going to be really hard for me. I have to find myself a second job now. I don't think I will be able to pay for school. I have to pay rent, car, insurance and bills. Now I have to worry about my tuition. But then again, I won't start school till January, I will have couple of months to save money. I'm just worry that it will be really hard for me. I have to find a way who is going to pick up my two kids from the babysitter on nights that I have classes. I tried talking to their dad and ask if he can help me out and he is giving me such a hard time. Why are guys so selfish. I had wasted almost 10 years of my time with my ex-husband. When I first met him, he was not like this. He never used to gamble for a living. I knew I should off left long ago and I always asked myself, why I waited all these time. I used to work my ass off and help him pay off his debt. Until one day I really got tired and sick of it. What would you do if your husband come home one day and tell you he owe two hundred thousand in debt? I thought I was hearing things. But I still stood my his side and told him never to gamble again and guess what, he continue his bad habit. I am tired of this. I decide to make that big decision in my life and just leave. I want to start off fresh. Since I couldn't go to school back then, now that I have a chance....I don't want to give this up. I know I will have a hard time while I'm working, going to school at night and care for my two kids the same time. But it's worth it if it help me out in the long run. I am still young and I am ready to take this step and waste couple of years so I can have a great job and be able to make 6 figures....lol

I feel motivated and I know I can do it, as long as I put my mind to it. I know this can happen. I will make it happen.

The guy that I like now is very different from all the guys I had ever met in my whole entire life. He is very nice and sweet. He work hard, which is good. He take his job very serious. I enjoyed being around him very much. It's like when I see him......I'm all happy and I have this big smile in my face. I wish I could be with him more. Too bad I only get to see him on weekends. Well it's good enough for me, as long as I get to see him, I'm happy already.

It's 11:30pm already.....I can't seem to fall asleep lately. I don't know why. I think I have too much on my mind. I always feel stressed out. I think too much I guess. I need to stop this. I should just focus on whats good for me and not worry about anything else.

I wish there is a way where I can just let him know how I feel about him. I tried telling him but it just don't want to come out of my mouth. I feel nervous when I'm around him sometimes. I know, I'm stupid. Why can't I be straight up with him. Maybe one day I will just let it out but as of for now....just let it flow I guess.